Clued Up
by hmweasley
Summary: As he and Magnus watch a movie, Alec reflects on the darker moments of his past and how they have led him to this moment.


**A/N:** **Thank you to Pendragon2601 for beta reading this story. Also, I will probably never be happy with a summary I've written.**

I need control, don't know how to let it go.  
I need to learn to let it be.

— Little Mix, "Clued Up"

The television blared from across the room, causing the lights to flicker around the room as the scenes on the screen changed.

Alec watched the light hit Magnus' face instead of looking at the screen. Truthfully, he didn't much care for the film. It was some action adventure sort of thing that had never been Alec's favorite type of story. It was too close to his daily life to be escapist. He was getting far more enjoyment from watching Magnus' reactions.

They were enveloped in a blanket, and their combined heat was enough to keep them comfortable. Magnus glanced at him out of the corner of his eye several times and smirked, but he didn't otherwise react to the obvious way that Alec was more interested in him than the movie.

In the past, Alec would have been embarrassed, but not anymore. A lot had changed over the past year. Alec still couldn't believe he'd gotten here after years of thinking he never would.

As he sat there, Alec found himself getting lost in the darker memories of his past. Memories that he sometimes forgot these days, though they felt like a crucial part of him.

He'd been twelve when he'd realized that he was gay. Jace had come to the Institute, a young boy who had just lost his father, and Alec had been enthralled. The experience wasn't entirely new. He'd had similar feelings about boys before, but due to Jace's constant presence, Alec was forced to confront what those feelings meant.

He knew the word 'gay'. He'd heard it before in various contexts, and though some used it neutrally, Alec had heard enough to know him being gay would be frowned upon by many around him. It scared him.

Alec was sure the word fit him once he allowed himself to think about the possibility, but he was determined to never admit as much to anyone. Not if he wanted to be happy.

Three years later, Jace was his parabatai, and Alec was surer than ever that he was gay. Instead of beginning to accept that part of himself, he began to avoid Jace, hoping he could break his feelings by using distance.

Studying had been his primary method for avoiding the others. He didn't mind reading for hours, long past the time Jace or Izzy would have lost interest. It was a solitary pursuit, but it wasn't bad, which strengthened Alec's resolve in his actions.

Then, one day, he had discovered a book lying on his bed that he hadn't placed there. With a rapidly beating heart, Alec had picked up the book, turning it over in his hands and flipping through the pages. It was a mundane book; Alec could tell as much after a few seconds of inspection. There was a feeling of mass production about it that Shadowhunter books didn't possess.

It was a novel about a young man who discovers he's gay. The book wasn't newly published and had clearly been read many times by people before Alec. He had no idea where it had come from or what the history of the book was. All he knew was that it was in his room, and he was terrified.

Who had placed it there? Did they know Alec was gay?

What would he do if someone saw it? What explanation would he give?

It felt dangerous to hold the book in his hands, let alone to read it or keep it. But he did, for reasons that he couldn't understand.

Alec read the book and connected to it far more deeply than he'd connected to any story in his life. Whoever had given it to him, they knew him well, and Alec had a few guesses as to who it could have been. He didn't ask; he didn't really want to know.

Several more years passed, and New York legalized same-sex marriage. It was a mundane event, but the news filtered into Shadowhunter circles to varied reactions. No one said anything to Alec about the topic, but he heard the whispers around the Institute.

"Why do they have to make such a big deal about it?"

"It would be nice if I could go about my day without it being shoved in my face."

"If they want to be seen as normal, why do they act like that?"

None of it was an outright condemnation of homosexuality, but Alec felt the sting nonetheless.

That day he decided to go for a walk, needing to get away from the people he knew, especially his family. He felt like his emotions were written on his face.

It was hard to describe what he felt, some mixture of joy and sadness.

He knew which areas of the city would be celebrating the most that day, and though he had avoided them in the past, he took a chance to visit them. He didn't speak to anyone, but he drank in the atmosphere created by those around him.

His heart hurt. He felt so happy to be experiencing this, but it didn't feel like it was for him, not when he hid that part of himself away. He didn't really belong there with those people who were proudly themselves.

He'd gone home that night feeling more conflicted than he had in years. Everything he had worked to keep subdued for years, only thinking about it during evenings when he was alone, was now warring inside of him once more.

Nothing much changed until he met Magnus. It never got easier, though he couldn't say it got harder either.

The day he locked eyes with Magnus, he had known that something was about to change, even if he couldn't be sure what that was. He'd felt it in his bones in a way he never had before.

What he came to feel for Magnus over the coming days, weeks, and months had changed his life irrevocably, and Alec couldn't be more thankful for that. It hadn't been easy at first. Alec had still fought to protect himself.

He'd proposed to Lydia fully believing it was the right thing to do, and he could safely declare that that was the lowest point in his life. He had never before been as scared as he had been facing her on that altar.

When Magnus had entered, every ounce of willpower that Alec had been using to force himself through the ceremony was drained from him. He couldn't do it, not if he wanted any chance at life.

Alec wasn't sure if it had been bravery or desperation that had led to him kissing Magnus that day, but it didn't matter. He had, and it was one of the most important actions of his life.

He'd gotten Magnus out of it, yes, but he'd also gotten himself.

"Darling, you're giving yourself wrinkles."

Alec was pulled out of his thoughts as Magnus ran his thumb across his brow. He was watching Alec, analyzing his expression. Alec realized that he was frowning, and he rearranged his features into a neutral expression.

"Sorry," he said. "I zoned out."

Magnus smiled. "I could tell."

Alec smiled back, but Magnus' expression slowly morphed into one of worry.

"What is it that's bothering you, my nephilim?"

Alec made sure that he had his most reassuring smile plastered on his face. He wasn't lying.

"I'm fine," he said. "I was just thinking about the past."

Magnus was unconvinced. Alec leaned forward to press a kiss to his cheek before he continued.

"Really, I am fine. Thinking about how hard things were back then only makes me appreciate this," he motioned between the two of them, "all that much more. Strangely enough, it makes me feel happy to remember those less than great times. Is that weird?"

Magnus' smile returned, and he pulled Alec closer to his side.

"It's not strange, Alexander. I often feel the same way."

They smiled at each other for a moment before a particularly loud explosion in the movie made them both jump. Magnus began laughing first, and Alec followed soon after. They never learned the end of the movie, too caught up in each other to pay any attention.


End file.
